I hate to admit, but I think at the end of the day it was a pretty wretched Thanksgiving weekend. I havent felt thankful all weekend. For some reason, Ive been overwhelmed by opposite thoughts: bitterness, frustration, exaspersation, and just a general, all-encompassing feeling of being ticked off.
Dont get me wrong. It was a great weekend in many ways with a lot of great things to be thankful for. I got to see a lot of good friends. I went to Birmingham to see my friends Matt and Brae at Matt's family's house. I spent Thanksgiving there with my mom and we had a great time. Then I had two good friends from California, Jeff and Faith, come into town and we did some really fun things together along with my friends John, Jade, and Jana. We went to the Mountain Opry, did some karaoke, and ate breakfeast together at the Cracker Barrel the next morning. And then yesterday evening I got to hang out with my friend Cole from Boston. It was the kind of weekend where I truly had a lot to be thankful for. I didnt have to work and I got to spend some time with good friends doing fun things.
But I just was not feeling thankful about life this weekend. I struggled pretty much the whole time to keep my spirits up. Even at church this morning, as people got up to give testimonies about what they were thankful for, I just wanted to leave.
It sucks to be in a pissed mood when the weather is so nice. I'll probably feel better in the next few days and then the weather will just get rotten. The last few days the weather has been amazing. Crisp, cool air with just enough sunshine and beautiful fall leaves. I should have spent every moment of it outside. Instead, with the exception of church today and a half hour run, Ive spent the entire day indoors. I havent been in the mood to go outside. I havent been in the mood to do much at all.
It all comes down to the fact that I am sick of dysfunction in my life and in the lives of those around me. Im sick of pretending I have a family that deserves such a name. Im sick of pretending the church can work for me and this so called family when it consistently lets us down and says nothing and does nothing to intervene in our lives. Im sick of hearing the word "community" spoken of and touted by my peers when all I see around me is self-satisfied laziness and a refusal to truly edify and speak the truth to one another. I've seen "community" in this town operate as nothing much more than a refuge for sinners who want to continue in their sin and have others allow them to feel good about it. There are Christians in this town who are destroying one another's lives, refusing to forgive each other, and continuing in a lifestyle of absolute, unrepentant selfishness and there are no Pauls out there to write letters to our churches to admonish us and to command us to repent, to forgive, and to love. Im so frustrated that nobody will say what needs to be said or do what needs to be done, including myself. And thats how I feel this weekend. Not thankful. Just pissed off.
Of course, I dont actually mean what I say. I dont feel this way all the time. Tomorrow, you could refute me on the entire last paragraph that I just wrote and I would probably agree with you. But I do feel this way sometimes, and sometimes I am just dying to be able to say it to somebody. But I honestly do not know when I should say it, how I should say it, or who I should say it to. All I can do is throw it out there on my blog to be misunderstood by people I dont even know. But I'll post it for now, and see if it helps. Its certainly good to write it out and work through my thoughts.
With all of that said, I do want to ultimately confess, even when I dont feel it, that my heart should overflow with thanks to Christ, who is real, who is Lord, who will reconcile all things to Himself, and who does offer us a hope and a future. Basically all of my thoughts previous to this paragraph are mere hot air when you account for the fact that all things, even the things that seem so dyfunctional to us now, will ultimately work together to bring glory to Christ and peace to His creation.
Posted by todd at November 26, 2006 10:59 PM