Well Im back. Back in Iowa. I am about one hour away from Cono Christian School where I will spend the majority of my weekend. It is a bit ironic that I will be experiencing a "Cono homeoming" of sorts on the very same weekend as Covenant's homecoming.
The purpose of my trip to Cono is to recruit students for Covenant, but on a personal note I see it as a chance to experience some closure. I left Cono in a whirlwind of activity right after graduation and so this weekend will be my first chance to return after some time in Chattanooga of reflection and seeking perspective on my year there.
Today has been crazy. I only slept for about two hours last night and I have been traveling ever since. Ive been having to take frequent coffee breaks to keep me going. Thats why Im sitting here actually. I figured I was too tired to interact with all of the Cono kids this evening, so I decided to wait out some of my time in a coffee shop and then show up at the campus closer to the evening hours where I might be allowed the opportunity to go directly to bed.
During airport and plane time today, I read about half of the book of Genesis. Ive reread that book countless times, but I still find it to be one of the most emotionally moving books of the whole Bible. The story of God's faithfulness to this chosen family is immensely compelling, especially considering that this family was made up of some really imperfect people. Something interesting has begun to happen as I have gotten older in terms of my Bible reading. I empathize with the characters a whole lot more. I dont have to imagine men like Jacob and Joseph as "Bible heroes" anymore. I can really see them in my mind as normal men. I can read between the lines more and visualize their weaknesses and their daily struggles with sin. And it makes the grace and faithfulness of God throughout the book all the more amazing. When Joseph weeps over Jacob's body at the end of the book, I can actually sense Joseph's emotions this time around. I sense how in awe Joseph must have been at the grace that God bestowed upon his father Jacob in his lifetime.
As I drove from Chicago to Iowa City today I decided to buy a CD that I could listen to while driving. I picked up "Migration" by The Duhks. I cant create a link to it for some reason just now. But check it out. Its pretty incredible. They've definitely jumped to the top of my list for "Favorite Band of the Month." They mix progressive bluegrass with Celtic and actually a good dose of gospel. Think Nickelcreek but way, way, way better.
One other thing I have done today is I have finally discovered Facebook for the first time in my life while sitting here in the coffee shop. Im too self-conscious about this thing still to do anything with my profile, but Ive been having fun digging through all the pictures of people I know who are on this thing. Its really astounding how many Covenant students have Facebook set up. I couldnt believe it. This is not good though, because it just gives me another way to waste time surfing the internet. I need to steer clear of that kind of stuff.
Well back to the whole "returning to Cono" thing. I left Cono during the third week of May. I went on to have a pretty spectacularly bad summer on a spiritual and emotional level. And my life since early August has been, well, good in many ways but a bit off center. I havent really been on top of my mental game. So, needless to say, Im not really returning to Cono with the kind of clarity and perspective I was hoping for. Im actually hoping now that my time at Cono might give me some clarity and perspective on my life back in Chattanooga. Its way too much to go into in one blog, but after a year of teaching and about four and a half months of college admissions work, I can honestly say that I still feel completely lost in terms in who I am. I rely on God's grace all the more because of this, which is great, but I am just absolutely dumbfounded about what God wants to do with me in the long run. I know that I love the church, that I feel gifted as a communicator, that I love working with people (both of these jobs have taught me at least that), and that the gospel means more to me now than it ever has in life. So maybe I should be a pastor? It sounds good on paper, but when I look at my personal life, Im not ready to even flirt with that idea right now.
I know in the end, I just need to look for those daily opportunities to love and serve people, and God will be faithful to get me where I need to go, just as He was with Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Joseph. None of those guys knew what God was doing until pretty much the end of their life. But I do struggle with the fact that as a guy working at the college I graduated from, I get the sense that certain people are looking at me and saying "What are you still doing here?" I mean its one thing to go off and pursue a degree or a professional career and then return to my former college to serve them in my area of expertise. But I skipped a very important step. I dont have an area of expertise yet. And so working for the college does sometimes feel like Im just hanging around.
Well, last April I was accepted into the ACCESS program at Covenant Theological Seminary (a distance eduation program). I think Im going to start a class when I get back from my travels at the end of the month. That might get the ball rolling in terms of thinking more seriously about my calling again. In the meantime, I really am glad to be working at Covenant College. There are all kinds of aspects to the job that really play well to my strengths. For instance, Im amazed at how well I have been able to adapt to traveling and to talking to people in all different areas about the strengths of Covenant. Its no problem for me to stand at a booth and talk to people non-stop for several hours. It doesnt even feel like work. The part of the job that stinks for me is logistics. Ive never been a detail guy so I have to work hard to stay on top of those. But the "working with people" aspect has been going really well.
Since I left Cono, I have really struggled with the fact that I only taught at Cono for one year, thus failing to really persevere as a teacher and to see myself improve at the job and work through my shortcomings. Now I have an opportunity in my work at Covenant to persevere for at least more than one year. I think this will be an important thing to do. I need to see myself doing the same work for more than one year (I havent done this since college) so that I can see myself improve in deeper, more specific areas. So yeah, the plan as of right now is to stick things out beyond this year. Make sure to kick me if I renig on that.
OK, Im kind of rambling now. I think I'll pack up and finish the ride to Cono. Im so excited to see everybody back there, but Im also a little bit nervous about feeling out of place less than five months after my time there. Its an intense environment there, so there is bound to have been a lot of changes. I'll blog more later to give an update on how things went. I'll appreciate your prayers as I will be traveling for the next three and a half weeks.
Posted by todd at October 5, 2006 08:41 PM