Ive been thinking today about some movies that have come out in recent years, all of which have characters who are struggling throughout the film with deeply repressed emotions that need to be released. These films always end with the main character reaching a watershed moment in which all of his/her repressed emotions spill out and the character learns to cry/feel again. Think of the following examples:
1) Jack Nicholson in About Schmidt
2) Emma Thompson in Sense and Sensibility
3) Zach Braff in Garden State
4) Bill Murray in The Life Aquatic
5) Paul Giamatti in Lady in the Water
6) Mel Gibson in Signs
7) Ben Stiller in the Royal Tenenbaums
8) Tom Hanks in Castaway
9) Tom Cruise in Magnolia and Jerry Maguire
10) Orlando Bloom in Elizabethtown
These are just a few examples that flew to the top of my head, and Im not necessarily an endorsing fan of each of the movies in this list (I hated Garden State). But I have found that I tend to respond strongly to the "emotional release" moments in these films. These moments always get to me, and I think this is because I want so badly to experience that kind of moment myself. I want to reach this moment one day where I can truly just let it all go, where I can stop worrying about my life and just be completely OK with the way things are. And yet this is not the kind of moment I can just choose to have. I cant just seem to let it all go.
I guess this is a pretty personal thing to be blogging about (I guess my blog has been veering into the personal a lot lately) but I will just go ahead and put this out there. I decided to visit a psychiatrist last year and his diagnosis of some the things I went to him about was that I had an anxiety disorder. Now I know that sounds vague but this doctor actually made a whole lot of sense when he started explaining it to me. I do know that it runs in the family. I have known several generations of my family to have massive anxiety issues. One of my most frightening memories as a child was when I was staying at my grandparents house and my grandmother started having a panic attack in the middle of the night. She was just intensely worried about something, I cant remember what. But it was hard to watch her break down like that.
Ever since I visited this doctor, I have been acutely aware of the effect that anxiety has on my life on a daily basis. Its funny because I now feel anxious about the fact that I am an anxious person. All my life I have had people tell me that I space out a lot, that I tend to stare off into space in the middle of a conversation with a blank expression on my face, entering what many have called "Todd-land." I know this is an incredibly selfish act, because I alienate myself from the people around me and ignore others when they are talking to me. Why do I do it? Worry. I just worry a lot when it comes down to it. Its not just abstract, philosophical thinking, and its not just spacing out. Ive tried to pass it off as those things before but I know that is usually not the case. Its usually just plain worry. I have to work out something in my head that Im worried about for one reason or another. Something enters my mind that feels wrong and I have to think about it until it feels right.
I am now at a place in life where I realize that I can never work out the anxieties I have about life in my mind. I can think about my worries until kingdom come and Ill never come to a conclusion that brings me peace. And so at some point I just have to let it all go. I have to stop worrying and shut my brain off. I have to have a good long release of emotion and find some rest. But how do I make this happen? Well, I know I cant make it happen. I have to wait for it to happen. I dont think it will happen in a dramatic way. I just think I will get so tired of thinking that I will just cave in. Im already weary of thinking. Its harder for me to have deep conversations with people, to read deep books, to meditate for long periods of time, to pray, because Im just weary of my thought life.
Im remembering one other movie, one of my favorites. The movie is Empire of the Sun, and in the movie the main character, played by a 13 year old Christian Bale, reaches a point at the end of the film where he has grown so weary that all he can do in the final scene is close his eyes and fall into the embrace of his parents. Its one of the final shots of the film and you get this real sense that the character has finally found rest and peace. Thats the kind of moment I look forward to experiencing: when I am embraced by my Father and I can just close my eyes and stop worrying; when I can truly cast all my cares upon the one who cares for me.
Posted by todd at July 31, 2006 03:45 PM