I drove to Charlotte, NC this weekend and on my way there I received a speeding ticket a bit north of Asheville. I was apparently going 84 miles an hour in 65 mph zone. I was told by the very matter-of-fact cop that I would have to make a mandatory court appearance in North Carolina in September because I was going over 80. So it quickly dawned on me that I was to not only pay the price of what would most likely be a very expensive ticket, but I would have to lose a day's work and pay court costs and pay for the gas to get to NC and back. Needless to say, I wasnt happy about this. And it didnt help that when the cop handed over the slip of paper and informed me of all this terrible news, he was not even remotely sympathetic.
But thats just the nature of getting a speeding ticket. Cops arent supposed to be sympathetic. They are just supposed to lay down the law. They look back at you with cold eyes and deliver justice through your car window. And it pisses you off, but theres nothing you can do about it. You realize that there is no escape, no way out.
After getting this ticket I hopped back onto the highway and I cranked Johnny Cash at full blast. I allowed the "Boom-Chicka-Boom" of Cash's songs to calm me down, and I couldnt help but feel at least a small connection with all of those prison inmates who were visited by Cash and who fell in love with his music in his heyday. Cash appealed to criminals, to those condemned by the law, because his lyrics spoke so much of dealing with the harsh realities of serving out a sentenced life. I listened to Cash sing of wearing stripes and facing the fact that he had eight, no seven, no six more minutes to go, and my boiling temper slowly simmered as I learned to accept my penalty the way that Johnny would.
Ive been thinking a lot about justice lately. You may remember I posted the lyrics to a Norman Blake song called "Billy Gray" a couple of weeks ago. I particularly like the last line of that song which says "Justice is cold as the Granger County clay." Justice is cold to the one who cant meet its demands.
Ive been feeling lately that I react to life much like I how I react to getting a speeding ticket. I try to rationalize the penalty away. I make excuses. And I want someone to understand me, to sympathize with me. But sympathy is a blessing, not an obligation. And nobody, and I mean nobody, is obligated to give sympathy in this life. All suffering in this life, all doubt, all fear, all sense of loss, all regret, all sorrow, is deserved. I cant numb that down. I tend to think mercy is something I have coming to me, something that I am owed. But that is such deceptive thinking.
I know that some people at this point would want to say that I have to just learn to accept grace, that I have to let go of my anxieties and accept freely the grace and mercy of Christ. Perhaps that is true. But I feel that our common notion of grace often clouds and distorts a proper understanding of justice.
I think it is a good thing to cry out everyday for grace and to hope for it with every ounce of our being. We need to be beggars for grace. But I feel we must, we absolutely must, be prepared somehow for the alternative. Otherwise we take grace for granted, and we treat it cheaply, as something already owned in full. And this is simply not the case. I will not have fully owned grace until I own a resurrected and glorified body. And should I be denied that body, I will have no reason for rage. So Im trying to rid myself of rage, of cynicism, of envy, of self-pity, of disappointment with God. There really is no place in this universe for those kinds of emotions. They are unnatural and wrong.
But I do feel there is a place in the universe for the cool, calm, and collected acceptance of failure and its consequences. I instinctually want to run from the possibility of ever having to face this. I dont even want to remotely consider any alternative to eternal, perfect bliss and peace. This is an act of cowardice on my part that Im not sure Ill ever get over. But I need to get over it. Peace would be nice, but it is owed to no man.
Posted by todd at July 30, 2006 08:05 PM