My thoughts havent been particularly clear today. But I think Ill force myself to write them down. So here goes:
1) Somebody encouraged me last night to keep "building my character." This is really good advice, but also really daunting. I dont mean to be overly self-deprecating, but I must say that I just dont see "character" in my life. Character to me has something to do with a positive consistency in my behavior. And Ive just never been a consistent person. I think lack of consistency has to be one of the major sources of stress in my life.
2) I heard an old radio recording from C.S. Lewis last night. He said the most significant "evolution" that mankind has experienced in history is the evolution from being mere creatures to becoming "children of God." Being created is a lot to be thankful for. But having the opportunity to enter a familial relationship with the Godhead is pretty much unfathomable. I really just dont get what it means to be a "son of God" yet. I have a feeling that if I knew what that meant right now, it would be unbearable.
3) If there is no such thing as the resurrection of the body, then I am a complete idiot. Im wasting my life.
4) If I only had hope for this life only, should I feel cheated? Or should I still feel thankful for the time I do have? I think I would lean toward feeling cheated.
5) Im really enjoying the new Mark Knopfler/Emmylou Harris album "All the Roadrunning." Its the soundtrack to this post. Im also eagerly anticipating the new Paul Simon album "Surprise" which should be in my mailbox tomorrow!
6) I think there are certain problems in my life I may never find the solution for. I guess this is OK, considering the fact that there are numerous blessings in my life that, thankfully, Ive never been able to spoil.
7) Ive got that eerie sense of anticipation that hits me everytime Im getting ready to make a new move in life. What new people am I going to meet? What relationships will form? What areas will I improve in? What books will I get to read? What new failures will I have to deal with?
8) Is that feeling in my gut the Holy Spirit?
9) Is Jesus really somebody who would go for a walk with me in the new life? Im talking about the kind of walk where you just shoot the breeze and ask each other about your day. I mean, thats what friendship looks like to me, and one of my hopes is that Jesus will truly be my friend. But for some reason, that kind of thinking seems dangerous to me.
10) I dont ever want to fade away from existence. I want to exist forever, and I want to exist as myself. I dont want my sense of personal identity to be absorbed into some universal whole, some ultimate oneness. I want to be me, for eternity. I want that more than anything else. I want that more than God I think. We talk about the need to want God more than anything else. But I dont think I can authentically say that about myself. I want "me" more than anything else. Granted, I want a "me" who will always be with God. But I ultimately want "me" to exist. If I cant have that, I would feel pretty cheated.