Back in late July and August I was trying to do something autobiographical with this blog. I was reminiscing about some past experiences and trying to tie it all together to relate it to what the Lord has been doing in my life today. I like blogging this way because it is something that serves several positive purposes I think. First, it serves a reflective purpose. Reflecting is something I dont do enough of and it happens to be a very healthy mental exercise. Blogging this way also serves the purpose of sharing God's goodness in my life with others.
From January-May 2004 I lived in Trnava, Slovakia and did mission work with a ministry called "The Building" (refer to previous posts for background). I am glad I waited until now to write about that time in my life, because I feel there is a lot I can say now about the comparison between my time in Slovakia and my time so far at Cono Christian School.
One of the reasons that it is so easy to relate my experience at Cono to my experiences in Slovakia is that in both situations I lived in places where I only knew a small community of people. In Slovakia I saw the same people every week: the same families, the same students, the same community. It is the same here at Cono. Living in situations like this shows me a lot about my weaknesses in building relationships.
In other situations that I have lived in, like in Chattanooga, people seem more spread out. I may or may not spend time with the same people every week. Its easier to avoid people that I want to avoid. The people that I am expected to build more intentional relationships with, the people at my church, only come into my life once, maybe twice a week. If I can make it through the service and get out the door fast enough without having to talk to too many people, I can comfortably go home and live my life without too much awareness of my slack efforts in relationship building.
But in situations like at Cono or in Slovakia, my weaknesses in this regard stick out like a sore thumb.
In Slovakia, I remember feeling bad that although I had many opportunities every week to build certain relationships, I would pretty much self-consciously escape and avoid those opportunities. Certain relationships could have and should have grown quickly because there were almost no limitations of time and space. We shared most of our time and most of our space. And yet, I managed to keep those relationships from improving. I managed to ignore people there as much as I ignore people in other situations. I managed to protect myself, to isolate myself, and to engage only with myself at times, even when I was surrounded by other people. I had hoped Slovakia would be a missions experience in which I would learn to be completely focused on others, completely engaged in a culture not my own, and completely self-sacrificial. And yet much of my time in Slovakia was spent on myself.
Don’t get the wrong picture. I built some wonderful friendships there. I met fantastic people, experienced some wonderful community, and even got used by God once in a while in some really neat ways. But I know my heart enough to know that during that time, I managed to be pretty selfish. I felt a little bit cornered living in such a new culture. I wanted to grab every second that I could to feel like an American, to feel like a Chattanoogan, to feel like Todd. I wasn’t prepared to give so much up at once and to really step into the lives of other people. And for that I think I missed out on some good opportunities that I know were there but that I just didn’t take advantage of.
I learned in Slovakia that missions work is only mysterious and glorious for a couple weeks before it starts to feel hard. Your life starts to feel out of place, and you start to feel uncomfortable. You get to a point where you don’t really want to go any farther into the culture. You want to stay closer to your own culture. You want to hold on to those little touches of home: your music, your books, your DVDs, your American friends.
And yet during this time, God really did do a lot in my life. I am so encouraged to continue to hear from many of my friends in Slovakia. One just visited Chattanooga recently (although I was not there), and several others visited about a year ago and we had a wonderful time. In my short few months there, I really met amazing people, and created some significant life memories. It was an incredibly formative time. Short, but formative.
Tranva was a beautiful little town. I hope to return there someday. To see Slovakia with new eyes, to restore and rebuild old connections there. It is still a place that occupies my thoughts.
And I feel a lot of lessons I learned in Slovakia carry over here at Cono. I have the same struggles here. I see the same people every single day. And yet patterns develop where I avoid and ignore certain relationships. I seek isolation when I should seek community. I seek self-indulgence when I should seek self-sacrifice. I have been granted enormous time and opporutunity with other people, and my temptation is to waste that time, to scatter it to the wind.
I returned home from to the United States earlier than I had expected to. I was supposed to stay until the end of the summer, and instead I left at the beginning of the summer. Financial worries were the biggest reason. I felt I needed to be making money, not spending it. I needed an income. I wanted to go to seminary eventally, and so I needed to save. I needed a good job.
I came home early to Chattanooga to find a good job. I never really found one until 13 months later, when I found Cono. More on that 13 months some other time.