The whole blogging thing really slipped away from me last month. It really is my intention to keep it up so I will give it another go.
I knew it was coming and it finally came: that wave of absolute busyness, frustration, stress, depression, chaos, insomnia, tiredness, and self-loathing that rolls over one who is a first year teacher. But in the midst of all of that was a surprising wave of encouragement, excitement, joy, friendship, satisfaction, and Spirit-induced life, health, and peace. I have been at every extreme here at Cono. My failures seem larger than ever, bigger than I had ever wanted to admit. Every percieved strength of mine has shown itself to be a weakness, and every weakness has only seemed more prevalent and destructive as time goes on. At times I just hate what I have become in life. My lack of discipline, my unhoned and uncritical thinkings skills, my limitations in communication, my proneness to isolation, my spotty and incomplete educational background in the fields that I am teaching, my poor preparedness, my ability to waste a lot of time, my total lack of real emotional and intellectual depth in certain areas. These things weigh on me like bricks.
I think about my life patterns when I was back in Chattanooga. My late nights, my lack of sleep, the absence of any real devotional relationship with God, my avoidance of work and my constant indulgence in whatever brought temporary satisfaction. All of these things have followed me to Cono. All of these things affect my lifestyle here daily. Sure, this seems to be turning into one long and unnecessary guilt trip, but bear with me.
I was talking in my Bible class today (Deuteronomy) about the role of the Law in our life. The Law has many roles, but today we talked about the fact that the Law literally "kills" us by making us aware of our sin and aware of God's perfection and holiness. Paul said he was "alive" before he knew the Law. But when the Law came he died.
This discussion caused me to think all day about the nature of the gospel. In order to truly live we must die. In order to gain life we must lose it. In order to have a new life, we must rid ourselves of our old life. We must die and be born again. We are not saved by the Law. We are saved by Christ. But the Law is what brings us to Christ. We come to Christ through the Law. The Law kills us. Christ gives us new life.
Didnt mean to get too deep into the theology of it all. I just wanted to express that these days I feel very much like I am dying. God is killing me. I feel a lot of pain and anguish and just plain discomfort over who I have been in the past and over who I am today.
I see myself in my students. I see in them all of the pride and ignorance and selfishness and greed and fleshliness that I have carried with me through life, not just in high school, but in college and post-college years as well. I get embarrassed thinking about the way I have treated people and lived my life when I watch some of my students. I get embarassed and ashamed, not so much because I was that way in high school, but because I still very much am that way today, about ten years later. I realize there is no quick solution to their problems. I cannot tell them how much longer the struggle will last, because the struggle has not ended for me either. It continues, and I dont know when it will end.
But in the midst of all of this dying and shame, there has been a lot of realization and peace. I have seen quite clearly what a gift life is. I wake up everyday and share life with amazing people who truly bear an image of God. They come in and out of my life everyday granting their unique gift of fellowship and presence and conversation. I see a lot of beauty everyday. In people. In the cornfields and in the expansive sky. I went running the other day and a perfect rainbow stretched across the sky, a reminder of God's promises.
So life here is really a mixed bag. I tend to miss Chattanooga a lot. I miss the many faces of friends. I get hit with that sting of guilt that I let it all pass too quickly. I didnt make the most of my time there and of the relationships that God gave me. I feel the same way here. I see time drifting by, and I fear I wont redeem the time.
Some exciting things are happening here at Cono by the way. The church here is moving in exciting directions. The worship committee is discussing the potential of moving to a weekly communion service and to a "Rock Creek" style of communion where we go forward to kneelers and recieve the communion from elders. I am quite excited about both things.
We also witnessed the potential beginnings of a dodgeball craze. I wanted to initiate dodgeball here because of the success of Battleball at Covenant and it has gone over quite well. The kids really got into it and they have been wanting to do it again. We might call it "Warrior-Ball" in honor of our mascot.
On a more dour note, two students were expelled this week. Its hard to watch people leave such a small community like this. It really sticks out and disheartens people. But as I said, everything here is a real mix of joy and sadness, dodgeball and expulsions.
To conclude, I know these are random thoughts. I am just asking for your prayers. I am very much in "survival mode" right now in terms of teaching. I am just staying one step ahead of the game, and I am not always ahead. Praise God for me that He has sent me to a place like Cono. I could go on forever about the satisfaction I get from being around the people here. The staff and students both are a real blessing. I struggle sometimes with being everything I can be here, with loving people wholeheartedly. In the words of my student Mi-Il after taking one of my tests, "Mr. Willison, you are mean teacher." Pray that the Lord makes me nicer.
Posted by todd at September 27, 2005 09:09 PM